Blogging

Distracted

I’ve been too distracted to write for the past day and a half.

My doctor is decreasing my lamotrigine (Lamictal) dosage to 200 mg per day and putting me on divalproex (Depakote) 250 mg for 4 days then 500 mg after 4 days.

I also take Prozac (20 mg) and 120 mg of Latuda daily. I do have as needed medications on hand like Zyprexa (10 mg) and Valium (5 mg).

I feel like a lab rat.

I started this blog to stave off depression and ended up being so depressed I didn’t shower for six days. I was seriously gross. My kids are with their dad and there was no real reason to move or to care or to breathe.

My doctor is referring me for Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation therapy. I receive care through the VA so I’m being referred outside the VA.

I’m a veteran. I don’t talk about it much. My illness (Bipolar 1 and PTSD) manifested while I was in the Air Force. I did not serve my entire enlistment period and have always felt such shame about that. With the encouragement of my doctor and therapist, I’ve been open about my service and how my illness basically ended my military career.

I haven’t really worked since my enlistment. I’ve tried, but I break down easily. It’s frustrating, degrading, and upsetting to me that I have a brilliant mind and have no way to employ it fully.

I don’t know when I will receive the call for my first Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation appointment, and I’m scared to change my medication schedule-again.

I finally took a shower, and went for a walk with my friend. We found a stray puppy during our walk and took it to a no-kill shelter right before a huge, howling storm. I feel like it was maybe the hand of God urging me to go on that walk with my dogs and my friend-so that we could save that puppy from a horrible night outdoors.

My depression is lifting-that’s how I knew to call my doctor. When you’re in the middle of it-you aren’t always aware.

I’m ready for my girls to come home and for our normal routine to return. I feel like I have a purpose for living when I am with them. I don’t know how to live or to “be” without them. My therapist says that we can invent myself at this point in my life so I think I want to focus on inventing just who I am and what I have to offer this world besides being a mother.

 

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