Thoughts & Passions

Today, I considered going off my Lamictal that I take for Bipolar depression; I have been on it for nearly 5 years now. In that time, I’ve gained 40 lbs and lost a lot of hair. This makes me…sad.

However, I do not have the wild mental imagery that I once had-imagery that I once tapped into in order to write with nuance and layers and rhythm. My writing became weak and one-dimensional after beginning Lamictal. It feels like I’m in a body cast and trying to write my name.

My daughter who is an artist says that her imagination is like a bottle with a cork in it-and all her imagination is inside the bottle. I liked that image and told her that psychosis is what happens when the cork springs off…

I can’t control the imagery; it stole years from me in terms of poor mental health. Some of the imagery is terrifying. Lamictal is an anticonvulsant and I think it inhibits my brain’s ability to use my temporal lobe the way it was once used. Seizures are often found in the temporal lobe-seizures that can produce imagery.

Euphoria can lead to terror and terror can lead to horrifying thoughts and internal situations.

Learning to write again is an option. I can force myself to learn how to write in an altered state that is close to my original pattern but that is successful while on medication-rather than discontinuing it so that I can write.

As for passions, once I am recovered from my depression and am on track, I want to study languages and syntax and symbolism. I also want to study story-telling.

Dr. Phil says that a person who is 40 now can potentially live 64 more years. I find that prospect somewhat terrifying…

I may not have the life I wanted, but I can build a life of hobbies that challenge me and that help me grow mentally.

I can use the plasticity of my brain to accomplish what I sometimes feel is impossible now.

I taught myself how to read again after psychosis; I can do this.


2 thoughts on “Thoughts & Passions”

  1. Dear Carolina,
    I am not a doctor and know next to nothing about the very real and debilitating conditions you suffer from.
    But I wonder if there could be some alternative to that medication you are considering quitting, such as perhaps exercise or some learned coping mechanisms, that could help you to be healthy, with some guidance from some kind of health professional?
    Good luck.
    Email me if you ever want to talk


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