Uncategorized

Be Ok…

I was lying down and listening to Pandora when Ingrid Michaelson’s “Be Ok” came on the station.

Open me up and you will see
I’m a gallery of broken hearts
I’m beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts

Just give me back my pieces
Just give them back to me please
Just give me back my pieces
And let me hold my broken parts

I have broken parts, but I’ll be Ok.

Ugh…”I’m No Good” by Amy Winehouse is now playing…

It’s true, I’m No Good…

It’s better this way.

That you don’t know me.

Blogging, Uncategorized

Letting Other People Grow

I’ve always complained that my family and other people in my life never really gave me the chance to grow-to start anew.

It never occurred to me that I did not allow other people to grow before now.

A priest I hated was moved to another parish, and I felt huge relief that we don’t even share the same air anymore…

But had I really allowed him to grow where he was or did I just keep him still in my mind and replay all of his annoying-ness?

I didn’t allow him space to change and therefore I did not change or grow either.

I hope he gets the chance to begin anew in his new parish this Easter-a time of renewal and hope. A Happy New Year of sorts.

And I think I’ll let him grow in my mind-give him space to change-even if he doesn’t-I have.

 

Blogging

Using One Note As A Journal

Journaling is highly effective for those of us with mental health issues. We blog mainly to get our thoughts out into the open and to connect with others; however, we do have to self-edit before sending our work out onto the internet. I haven’t always been so good with self-editing so I’m starting a journal in Microsoft Office’s One Note to help me reflect daily.

I did look into various online journal applications and formats, but most of the apps had strange companies producing them and my journal needs to stand the test of time. Microsoft’s One Note is a safer bet.

You can even password protect your journal in One Note to prevent your thoughts from being used against you by persons who are judgmental and who want to hurt you just because they don’t like you-for whatever reason they have. Who the hell knows with some people. See Update Below. 

I would never use someone’s journal against them, but even Susanna Kaysen had her journal stolen in Girl, Interrupted. All proficient and prolific writers have probably had their privacy violated at some point in time. Sometimes people just use words against you even if you share them openly. I call these people assholes 🙂

Enjoy your day and keep blogging and journaling!

Update:  I have the newest version of One Note installed now, and it appears ( I haven’t learned it all yet) that we can no longer password protect notebooks individually; however, you can password protect your computer and One Drive account-if you access it outside of your usual PC.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Blogging

Recovering!

I’m recovering from my depressive episode that has lasted nearly 2 months now. I finally feel emotions such as joy, excitement, hope and deep love and gratitude. Not being able to access my emotions is a sign that I was in a very bad way depressed.

Ever since this last weekend, I have enjoyed spending time with my girls and focusing on the happiness in my life that I cannot see when I’m depressed.

I feel huge gratitude that I am able to recover from depression.

 

Blogging

Thoughts & Passions

Today, I considered going off my Lamictal that I take for Bipolar depression; I have been on it for nearly 5 years now. In that time, I’ve gained 40 lbs and lost a lot of hair. This makes me…sad.

However, I do not have the wild mental imagery that I once had-imagery that I once tapped into in order to write with nuance and layers and rhythm. My writing became weak and one-dimensional after beginning Lamictal. It feels like I’m in a body cast and trying to write my name.

My daughter who is an artist says that her imagination is like a bottle with a cork in it-and all her imagination is inside the bottle. I liked that image and told her that psychosis is what happens when the cork springs off…

I can’t control the imagery; it stole years from me in terms of poor mental health. Some of the imagery is terrifying. Lamictal is an anticonvulsant and I think it inhibits my brain’s ability to use my temporal lobe the way it was once used. Seizures are often found in the temporal lobe-seizures that can produce imagery.

Euphoria can lead to terror and terror can lead to horrifying thoughts and internal situations.

Learning to write again is an option. I can force myself to learn how to write in an altered state that is close to my original pattern but that is successful while on medication-rather than discontinuing it so that I can write.

As for passions, once I am recovered from my depression and am on track, I want to study languages and syntax and symbolism. I also want to study story-telling.

Dr. Phil says that a person who is 40 now can potentially live 64 more years. I find that prospect somewhat terrifying…

I may not have the life I wanted, but I can build a life of hobbies that challenge me and that help me grow mentally.

I can use the plasticity of my brain to accomplish what I sometimes feel is impossible now.

I taught myself how to read again after psychosis; I can do this.