Blogging, Mental Health, Writing

Recovery…

I have had some ups and downs during this period of recovery. I was manic for a while and wrote a shitload of stuff…none of which is on my blog. Thank god! It’s better that you don’t read my manic writing 🙂

Now that I’ve come back down…I fell a little too far, but not far enough to not want to breathe in and out and open my eyes. In fact, I landed with the type of discomfort that is pushing me to be hopeful….

Today, I showered. I went to lie in the sun…15 minutes on each side. My pasty (and it is pasty) white ass wasn’t showing since I had the compassion to wear shorts…my neighbors don’t need to be traumatized whilst I soak up some rays. My neighbors are Somalian and are shocked by the sight of my pale legs alone!

I felt really low today. The girls left for their dad’s visitation yesterday, and I have been blah feeling.

This past week, I have been sick with a head and chest cold that I caught from my lovely youngest daughter. Yep. Gave me all her germs and then some.

I’m feeling better with minor congestion, but I’m really tired. I have narcolepsy and didn’t take my Concerta (Ritalin) all week so that my body could rest. I am taking it again and my body just feels run down.

I plan to go to mass this evening.

Until then, I will continue snuggling with my dogs and I plan to read some blogs and research mental health recovery-I have an idea for a book on that subject.

Oh…and there is a pile of laundry that I need to sort and put away.

I am new to Instagram. My Canon dslr comes in the mail the first week of June, and I plan to learn photography this summer with the girls.

For now…I just have some basic iPhone shots posted. You can follow me if you want @ carolina.maine

Thanks and have a well mental health day 🙂

 

 

Blogging, Mental Health, Poetry, Writing

Don’t Feel Like a Poet Anymore

I don’t feel like a poet anymore. The last poem I wrote was in 2011.

I have had writer’s block for a long while now!

I’m going to follow more poetry blogs to see if that gets the juices flowing.

I’m still going to post about mental health and living with Bipolar Disorder, but I don’t want that to be my blog’s only defining attribute.

I’m sorry I haven’t been online very much. I haven’t felt well. I’m recovering, but I still have days that I struggle to get through.

I was following Millionaire’s Digest and there were so many posts that I couldn’t see the blogs that I have also been following which means that I missed out on a lot of your posts!

I don’t follow Millionaire’s Digest anymore. They have interesting tips but the glut of posts crowds out other blogs I’m interested in.

I hope you have a happy mental health and writing day!

 

Blogging

Distracted

I’ve been too distracted to write for the past day and a half.

My doctor is decreasing my lamotrigine (Lamictal) dosage to 200 mg per day and putting me on divalproex (Depakote) 250 mg for 4 days then 500 mg after 4 days.

I also take Prozac (20 mg) and 120 mg of Latuda daily. I do have as needed medications on hand like Zyprexa (10 mg) and Valium (5 mg).

I feel like a lab rat.

I started this blog to stave off depression and ended up being so depressed I didn’t shower for six days. I was seriously gross. My kids are with their dad and there was no real reason to move or to care or to breathe.

My doctor is referring me for Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation therapy. I receive care through the VA so I’m being referred outside the VA.

I’m a veteran. I don’t talk about it much. My illness (Bipolar 1 and PTSD) manifested while I was in the Air Force. I did not serve my entire enlistment period and have always felt such shame about that. With the encouragement of my doctor and therapist, I’ve been open about my service and how my illness basically ended my military career.

I haven’t really worked since my enlistment. I’ve tried, but I break down easily. It’s frustrating, degrading, and upsetting to me that I have a brilliant mind and have no way to employ it fully.

I don’t know when I will receive the call for my first Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation appointment, and I’m scared to change my medication schedule-again.

I finally took a shower, and went for a walk with my friend. We found a stray puppy during our walk and took it to a no-kill shelter right before a huge, howling storm. I feel like it was maybe the hand of God urging me to go on that walk with my dogs and my friend-so that we could save that puppy from a horrible night outdoors.

My depression is lifting-that’s how I knew to call my doctor. When you’re in the middle of it-you aren’t always aware.

I’m ready for my girls to come home and for our normal routine to return. I feel like I have a purpose for living when I am with them. I don’t know how to live or to “be” without them. My therapist says that we can invent myself at this point in my life so I think I want to focus on inventing just who I am and what I have to offer this world besides being a mother.